Last night I finally got around to watching the most recent episode of my new favorite TV show, Splash.  I’m sure you are just dying to read all about it, so here’s what happened:

The show began with a very over-the-top introduction (mostly a bunch of oddly dressed divers doing syncronized/clustered diving), culminating in a belly flop from the 10 meter platform.  There were a number of syncronized swimming interludes just before commercial breaks throughout the episode as well.

The big news of the episode was that Chuy is out with a broken heal and they had to bring in an alternate, Brandy Chastain.  If you don’t know, Brandy Chastain is a famous American World Cup soccer player (she’s most famous for taking her shirt off after winning the 1999 World Cup).  She flew in a few hours before the show and no one had seen her dive yet.  Apparently she had been training on her own as an alternate just in case another contestant had to leave for whatever reason.

What I didn’t pay attention to in the first episode was the brilliant intro songs each diver gets as they enter the pool area.  Part of the lyrics to Brandy’s was “she used to play soccer, now she’s hitting the water.”  Brilliant.

When interviewed just before her dive by the host who isn’t Joey Lawrence, she said, “I have low expectations.”  That’s the attitude!  She went a bit over on her dive but, as the judges pointed out, she was the first diver in the competition to do a hurdle approach, which is a standard front approach in diving.  She got an overall score of 7 from the judges.  I’m guessing her low score was because she actually attempted a real dive and didn’t have any obvious handicaps to overcome.

After her dive they went to commercial and I saw an ad for the best new TV show, “Bet on Your Baby,” where the creators of the show have toddlers perform simple tasks and the parents of these children then bet on whether they believe their child will be able to perform the task.  Idiocracy is happening people.  This is the world we live in now.

The second diver was Drake Bell, who I’ve never even heard of.  His intro song included the line, ” You should be scared as hell.  I’m gonna ring your bell.”  Again, brilliant.

He actually did a pretty decent dive except for the entrance and got an overall score of 7.75.  He was really the first diver to point their toes and keep their legs together.    One of the judges gave him a 7.5  because he thought he could do better.  Again, it appears as if the judging is not based on what you actually did, but on your potential, which is a terrible way to judge people in a competition like this, in my opinion.

The next diver was Nicole Eggert, from Baywatch.  Just before she was about to dive they repeatedly showed her her pre-dive screw up in which she awkwardly fell off the platform.  She naturally freaked out a little bit after watching that just before she was about to attempt the exact same dive.

She did some sort of hand stand into a dive thing that’s not actually a real dive and got a 7.75 score.  The stated reason for her high score, from both judges, was her courage in getting up there after her earlier flop.  Again, because she got back up on the board, not because she dove well.

The fourth diver was Ndamukong Suh, who everyone called Suh becuase no one wanted to attempt to pronounce his name.  He plays the fooseball for the Detroit Lions.

He did the show’s first inward dive (pike position) with a pretty bad entry.  He got a 6.75.  They gave him a lower score because they though he could do better and because he dove from too low of a board.  Height matters in this competition.

The last diver was Kendra Wilkinson, who is famous for dating Hugh Hefner and having boobs.  She was very open and honest about her fame.  At one point she stated that she wasn’t sure why she is famous and admitted that she doesn’t actually do anything.  She does not get along with Greg Louganis because she has a fear of heights and he seems to think she doesn’t, but pretends to to get attention.  He’s probably right.

She actually did a pretty decent inward dive in the tuck position and got a 7.75.  She was definetely overdramatic about the whole thing.  Her score seems to be because of the fear factor and “what you went through,” according to the judges.

Brandy and Ndamukong were in the bottom two and had to do a dive off to determine who would be leaving.  By the way, these two are the only two professional athletes who dove in this episode.

Then, Joey Lawrence said “do or dive.”  Pure genius.

Brandy did a pretty good inward pike dive from the 3 meter and Ndamukong repeated his earlier inward pike dive, but didn’t really do it any better than the previous attempt.  So they both did the same dive, but Brandy’s was clearly better.

Both the judges admitted that Brandy’s dive was way better but said they saved her from elimination because she had more potential.  The Aussie judge even said that Brandy did better “purely on quality of dive” (which is how judging dives should work in a rational dive-judging world that this show apparently refuses to exist in).

Upon being eliminated Ndamukong left us with these parting words: “It’s time to go to real work.”  He will be missed.